Justification to Exist

I tried making a gallery so many times before, but every time I actually go to post my art publicly, something in my brain changes. The drawing stops looking like a drawing I enjoyed making and starts looking like a list of flaws. Tiny mistakes suddenly feel massive. The proportions look worse than they did five minutes ago. My eyes lock onto every awkward line until it’s all I can see anymore.

It’s strange because showing art one-on-one has never scared me nearly as much. I’ve shared drawings privately with friends before and felt completely fine about it. Maybe it feels less like I’m putting something on a stage to be judged forever.

But online posting feels different. Once something exists publicly, I suddenly feel like it has to justify its existence. Like every piece needs to be this huge, polished, meaningful illustration or else it isn’t worthy of being seen at all.

I end up putting this ridiculous pressure on myself to paint like da Vinci or make something on the level of Mead Schaeffer just to deserve uploading a drawing to a website. And obviously that mindset kills any enjoyment instantly. I feel people wouldn't like it, it's inconsistent, messy, and not in a cute moe way where it works like black souls or touhou.

I know this way of thinking isn’t reality though. There probably are people out there who would genuinely enjoy seeing what I draw. But I keep hiding everything because I’m scared it isn’t “good enough” to exist publicly.

There’s this piece of advice I heard once heard from a Jirai fashion creator, I think back to it constantly. Qouting the whole thing would be long so I'll just link the video below...

I think I’ve been approaching making a gallery completely wrong this whole time. I thought I needed to immediately post some grand illustrations, but those kinds of works come from passion, not pressure. You can’t force sincerity out of yourself while panicking over whether strangers will think you’re talented enough.

So maybe the answer really is just smaller steps...

starting out with sketches would be fine. They feel safer to post because they aren’t mean't to be perfect. People don’t usually expect some grand masterpiece from a sketch. It’s just a glimpse into someone’s thoughts while drawing...

Below I attached a sketch I did of Francesca Prelati. Next to it is an edited version showing the distortions I end up seeing whenever I try posting my art online; basically handing the viewer my glasses for a second so they can see the same exaggerated flaws I focus on.

Big yap session here, I wanted to get these feelings out of the way before I actually do post litature focused writings. I've been avoiding the Umineko wiki, manga and reddit like the plague so I could try and solve the mystery myself! That'll probably be my next post...